Autobiography on My Mother

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Mother:

I wonder what feeling is it when you hear you are going to be a mother. It begins as a feeling of joy after hearing the news, a feeling of care, protection, concern, affection, and love adds to it when the child is growing in the womb. Later the feeling of pain during the delivery and finally adding to all this a feeling of responsibility.

Ever imagined how beautiful is to give birth to a child who would inherit you. A mother is born when a child is born. That’s when I think we should celebrate the mother’s day.

A mother bears pain to bring out a child to this world, carrying the child for 9 months is not an easy job. Too many problems. She sacrifices her sleep, her diet is changed, and her body is out shaped.  But, still, she is happy.

A mother is a caretaker when we are a toddler, she is a guide when we are teens and she is a real friend when we are adults. No matter how old you grow, you will still be a kid for your mother.

There is no comparison between mothers. In our teenage, we often complain to our mothers saying that the friend’s mother is better than her. It’s foolish to think that way. I understand that people have different capabilities of mind but the heart has single capacity to love, every mother has the same heart to love her child. There is no doubt in that.

In adult age, we complain that mother is not understanding anymore. She doesn’t think in the way we think. She is outdated. We often shout and fight with her when she tries to care for us. Her care at this age will become torture for us. This is a wrong perception. Imagine you are making a statue and due to external environment the statue is getting hampered. Would you not stop it from getting damaged? Will you not try your best efforts to save it, because you have made it and you have spent everything on it?  Similarly, the sculpture is the child. Mother is the maker of the sculpture. She would protect you, save you but remember she can never hurt you. I am sure if anyone of you thinks you were hurt, please realize and recollect the time, you will infer that she was the one who was most hurt than anyone else.

I remember many things that are commonly done by all the mothers, like care, love, affection, and protection. Something that makes me share about my mother is her deep love for my brother. We all know mothers love male child than a female and fathers love female child. So, did my mother. For her, I and my brothers were her two eyes but deeply she loved my brother as he was so close to her that I could never be. I didn’t realize her love for him until I found her completely shattered missing him who just passed away a year ago. My brother left after getting attacked by dengue fever. He died at the age of 16. My mother was so weak after his death; it was a never imagined incident that changed all our lives. She was broken from within. His loss made her disabled mentally. She felt her strong pillar is now gone forever. She was living for dad, me and the rest of my family. For her, the world was just a place to breathe. She was so strong outside but too weak inside, she gave hope to all of us with despair in her heart. It was like someone stole the beautiful flower out from the garden which was the only attraction The wind that came breezing fast broke the flower from the branch and it fell off. The tree was alive for the other flowers and the fruits, but her favorite flower was no longer to add fragrance to her life. The tree slowly became dry and as days passed it died too. My mother left us after a year and ten days of my brother’s death. She was watching a movie and she saw a son dying in the movie is when she got heart attack and she died. It’s sad that she left us. But, I am sure now she would be with her flower that she lost and they are happy wherever they are.

I am not a mother yet, but I know how painful it was for her to lose a child. She tried to live without her but he was like a part of her she couldn’t live without. People think she was weak and hence she couldn’t survive, I do agree. If someone takes some part of yours you would definitely become weak. After all, he was her heart. People say she would have lived for me, I guess she knew my brother needed her the most than me. I miss her so much but she is always with me in my heart and in my soul. I am sure she is worried about me from wherever she is, but she knows that I am strong and I can live without her. A mother very well knows which child of her is weak and strong. I don’t know what tradition is it to send a daughter to other house after marriage and not a son, maybe this is the reason I believe. We daughters can live without mother but not sons.

There is nothing specific about my mother that any other mother doesn’t have. For me, she is not less than an angel. She never let me down anytime. She provided me with what I wanted and took care of me like no one else.

After my mother’s death, my dad remarried to another woman who has a son just as the age of my brother. To be frank no one can replace a mother’s love. Not even a father. I am glad that my dad has someone to rely in his life and he got what he lost. As it’s said that in your absence someone else will take your place. But it’s wrong; it is never anyone for mother. After losing my mother I realized no one else can love you as much as she did. I fell sick many times and didn’t come out of sickness even after taking medicines in time. I thought of the reason and I compared the days I used to feel sick and just recover in a day. The only difference was not having a mother. A sick person needs mothers love more than a medicine. I miss her in every way of my life and still need her in the happy and tough times of my life. I am sure wherever she is, she still loves me and I just want to let her know how proud I am to be her daughter and how much I love her.

I and my brother used to fight to get her love and my brother being younger always took the benefit. He still is and he is teasing me that mother is with her side. I wish may both of you be together forever and would wish I could again meet you both in all the births that I take. Miss you both so badly.

My mother died again!!!!!!!!

Yes, what you read is correct. My mother died again. In my first article, it was about my mother, I thought that was the end. But, my mother died again.  As I stated in my last article that my mother is no longer with me. She died. That is correct, then why am I writing she died again?

Here is it. After I lost my mother, I was so alone; I missed her in every walk of life. Her scolding’s, her care, her smile, her way of living was quite unique than anyone else’s. She was the strong pillar of my family, especially for my grandparents (my naana-naani). My naana-naani had three beautiful daughters including my mother. They lost the youngest of their daughters in 2002. As written in my last article that moms love sons and dads love daughters. It is true but what about the parents who only have daughters like my grandparents? I take my words back, a mother can love a daughter also the same way she loves a son. My naani did the same. She loved all her three daughters. She lost the youngest one who was just 18. This broke my naani too like how my mother broke after losing my brother.  But because of my mother and aunty, my naana-naani could recover from the pain. I can’t say they completely did, but they were fine. They accepted the fate and they managed to live for the two other daughters. They, from this day, started to worry much. This is the time from where they became more emotional. Until my aunt’s death, they were normal and happy. But now even the slightest fever to any of their daughters they used to get hell worried. They not even loved their daughters for them son in laws were their sons. They lived in a small house paying a rent of 35 rupees. Till present, the rent is Rs.35 only. The small house, it is not even 1 BHK. It’s an all in one room which includes kitchen, bathroom and has one bed. They don’t get drinking or normal water in the tap; there were no taps in the house, apart from the one in the water pot.  They wake up early morning at 6 to fetch water from the neighbor’s house. Such is their life. They had another house which had all the facilities but they were used to this house where they settled initially. They loved us too. We were two siblings and I told you I lost my brother too. This was the second attack of God after the death of my aunt on my grandparents. This was like an earthquake where they were completely shaken with the news.  I have two cousins, my aunt’s kids. My grandparents loved all three of us. My naani missed my brother a lot though. With the walk of life, as I said things didn’t go well after my brother passed away and that made me lose my mother too. I was thankful that now my mother is happy to be with brother, she knew I have become strong. I was living strong for my naana-naani. They could survive after two attacks of losing a daughter and a grandson because my mother was a backbone. She gave much strength to them. Ideally, three of them had lost their life battles and were just breathing.  But they were of deep strength to each other. They never let us feel low, they were strong to be the model but we knew their hearts are now weak. As my grandparents lost their daughter and I lost my mother, there was now a direct connection of parents and daughter between us. They always saw my mother in me. They felt her presence in me. I tried to be like my mother, but no one actually can be like her, I bet. She was an angel. We were lucky to have her in our lives. She was a life savior, ever smiling face. The loss of my mother created more pain and sadness in my grandparent’s life. They were worried about me. My father remarried and you all know what happens after the second marriage. My grandparents knew that I was not happy. I had no one to ask if I had my food, no one to be around me. This worried them a lot. They wanted me to get married. But, my life is been a struggle, I wanted to come out of the pain first and then start a new life. I told them I need some time. I was not happy in my home. I requested them that I need to stay alone. The society’s fear didn’t give me the permission of doing that. I continued to stay in the house lonely and sadly. I never shared with them what I was going through to put them in tension.  But there was a heart to heart connection, they knew what was wrong. They used to feel my pain. But they were helpless. They asked me to come and stay along with them. But that option would spoil my carrier, as there are fewer chances of my growth where they lived, hence I chose not to go with them. I asked them to come and stay with me, but coming to the place where they lost her daughter and grandson was very painful. So, I couldn’t do much for them. My naani was now so heartbroken. My mother, she died after a year and ten days of my brother’s death.  From then my naani was my other. She had become like a friend to me to whom I used to share everything. Like my mother, she hides all her pains inside and she used to smile and she used to get proud of what I used to go. She used to get happy for even a small achievement of mine and sad for even a little of my sickness.  Such was our relationship. I was now not lonely as she was there. But, as said the pain of a mother for losing a son/daughter is such that they can’t survive long. I can understand the pain a mother goes through. We children don’t feel that emptiness in our lives after losing parents but parents do, maybe because we are a part of her. Maybe when a part of her is gone, she feels restless. So, my naani she died after 16 years and 4 days of losing her younger daughter and similarly after 5 years, 5 months and 17 days of losing the eldest daughter. Hence, my mother died again.

Now my naana is alone. God has not given him son. He took away his daughters and now his wife. Here I would say, my mother was strong, my naani was stronger and my naana is the strongest. I would just pray God, “you have looted him to the core, but don’t loot his strength. Give him the strength to overcome the loss. Give him patience. Make him cry aloud; make him share his pain with us. Now he is the mother and father both for me and my aunt.

Whenever I close my eyes, a beautiful picture comes in my mind. I see a swing in the bright clear clouds with the moonlight and the twinkling of the starts. My aunty, brother, mother and naani sitting in the beautifully decorated swing in white beautiful dress, looking at me and telling me, we are happy here together. We love and miss you all. I smile at them and say, may you always stay happy and together like you are and please know that I really miss you. Pray that after I die, I could be with you.

– By Pinkal Kothiya.

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